WHY?!??

Why is it that I can never make my own decision without having family members get involved?? I just want to resign and be a flexi-adjunct, is it soooo bad?!??! Just becos I don't get any benefits once I become a flexi-adjunct, are our lives really going to be topsy turvy. Who cares about all the benefits when whatever money I'm earning goes to seeing doctors?!?!
Who can understand the stress that I'm going through?!?!?

Why can't anyone just understand what I'm going through. Does anyone know that I've been having school refusal since the beginning of this year?!?! My job doesn't allow me to even take a break. My day starts at 6.30am and sometimes end at 6.30pm. What do I get for working so late?! getting sick all the time and not spending enough time with my own daughter!!!

What's so great about the money I'm earning with all the bonuses when I probably may not even live to spend it?!?! Am I going to spend the rest of my life in an asylum!??!?

All I want is some support from family members. Is it soooo difficult!!?? Why do I keep hearing things like not enough money, what a waste with all the benefits like medical leave, minus away all the holidays, actually dun work a lot in one year?!

Who can understand what I'm going through....sometimes, work stress, home stress really makes me very suicidal. Sometimes I just want to end it all.

All I want is some support......Will these people be happy if I just kill myself one day over work!??! I feel very miserable....very very miserable.

Why can't they just leave me alone. Let me make my own decision.....

Down

This term really frustrates me. First, just before the new term started, Allyson was down with high fever. After her, I was down with fever and flu-like symptoms too. After her, Jasper came down with flu and fever. After resting, we thought we could go back to our normal life, alas, we were both diagnosed for HFMD becos of ulcers in our throat. We had to stay home for the second week. By the time I went back to work on the third week, I had tonnes of work to complete and even till now, I'm very much lagging....not sure how I'm going to cope. Guess sooner or later, I will be questioned severely over my efficiency. sigh...

toward the end of July, my allyson fell sick again. This time, she doesn't take much medicine and fever kept coming back. We finally sent her to KK and she was warded cos she's not taking in antibiotics orally, thus it has to be injected into her blood stream. She stayed for 4 days 3 nights in KK over the national day long weekend.
It was very heartbreaking having to put her through insertion of the plug for the drip and antibiotics. throughout the time when she was warded, it dawned on me that I've not really taken good care of her or given her enough nutrients to fight germs in her body. Thus, it affirms my idea of changing to flexi-adjunct next year and spending more time with her instead always not having time for her becos of work.

Now, as I was preparing myself happily to get back to my work and completing them as fast as I can, I'm down with sore eyes, runny nose/blocked nose and cough. All coming at the same time. I'm never lucky in winning prizes for myself but always very lucky in attracting germs to me.
Despite my constant efforts to keep myself clean and popping vit c and multivitamins all the time, I'm still down. Wonder what kind of a body I have or is it becos of the fengshui in the house....think I must do something about it.

As a result, I can't take care of Allyson now. This week is a a crucial week for her too. She is advised by the doctor to refrain from going back to school until she has completed her course of antibiotics. Really at my wits end....

Happiness

Happiness is not just felt when good things fall on ourselves.

Happiness is also felt when good things befall other people. I'm very very happy over the amount of money that has been raised for Little Charmaine when I read My Paper this morning.

I pray hard that she will be able to get the necessary treatment and live a life filled with goodness and of cos good health. I also pray that her family members will also be happy and able to cope well financially.

Last but not least, I pray hard that all my family members are in good health and will be happy in whatever they do especially my precious Allyson :))

A Decision Made

After 7 months of deciding whether I should continue with what i'm doing, I've decided to stay on. Financially it's not advisable to just take off and not bother about anything. I want to give my child whatever that are within my means and to make sure I take good care of her. I can't afford to just leave what I'm doing to pursue what I really want. It's not rational.

Many of us are like that I guess. We must take a look at our priorities. My priority is to make sure my child is well taken care of and to make sure that none of us in the family including grandparents need to go through hunger pangs. Thus, no matter how unhappy I may be in what I'm doing, I shall just hang on and think of the big picture. I shall always look forward to going home to my little girl and leave whatever unhappiness behind.

Unhappiness shall not step into my home! I shall learn from others who are still going on strong even they are going through bad times in their lives.

From a mother to another mother

My hubby chanced upon Little Charmaine's blog just last night. We loaded her blog up onto my blog. Only today did I really sit down and read what her mother wrote in the blog as well as view pictures of this fiesty little girl.

As a mother to a 2-year-old, I can understand what Cynthia is going through. When Allyson went for blood test becos of high fever, her screams really chilled my heart. Jasper nearly cried seeing her writhed in pain. Of cos, this little pain is nothing compared to what Little Charmaine is going through. Imagine, both of us felt like crying seeing our little girl suffer when her little finger gets pricked for blood test, what more for another mother to see own little girl go through all sorts of tests and chemotherapy.

When I aborted my second child, I couldn't forgive myself even till now. On one hand, I had no right to take away her little life. On the other hand, I couldn't bear to see her suffer if I were to bring her to this harsh world knowing the type of condition she suffered from. Both Jasper and I clenched our painful heart and told my gynae our decision to go for abortion.

I salute Cynthia for being so strong even having to go through a broken marriage and taking care of her two precious ones.

No mother wants to see their children suffer. No mother wants to be away from their children.

Cynthia, hang in there! I'm sure things will go on well for Charmaine. Have faith!
Little Charmaine, you must grow up to love mummy even more!

Let's help Charmaine

A little girl who needs support and help in her battle against cancer. Click on the link to read her blog.

A Calm and Peaceful Mind

Hubby recently commented that i should put up some posts on happy incidents that happened to me. I guess my happiest moment was when allyson and jasper presented a kate spade bag to me. very very sweet of him. It's for mother's day. He actually went to buy after work, came home and went to take me from work. He really knew how to keep things under wraps.

Since the beginning of this year, i've been going through some unhappiness with my job, with some people around me. it's amazing how i could have allowed these people to affect my life. much as i like to ignore all them, i have to face them all the time. i felt that i'm slackening in my work and not doing justice to my stakeholders. it's not easy being where i am today. i can't just leave everything behind and move on to a new environment. moreoever, i do not have many openings to choose from.

recently, a stakeholder commented that i have not done enough for my client. it was a shelling session at a closed-door meeting. it set me wondering whether i should be in this profession at all. the things that were said really affected me. if i have 40 clients, it's my duty to address each and every one of their needs and to understand them fully. that's what my stakeholder said.
He may be right but I just hated the way he put things through. He seriously have some kind of EGO problem. I've been trying to ignore it these few days and went on with my work. At the back of my mind, i still think of what this stakeholder said. If I go crazy, I shall remember to haunt him for the rest of his life.

I had a dream last night. I'm not sure if i was too pressed up inside but I actually dreamt that I went crazy. i was screaming non-stop in my dream. when I woke up, i was in a daze and slipped in my bathroom. after that, i felt pain on the right side of my waist. going to see a doc soon cos the pain lingers as i walk and it's very disturbing. not sure if that dream will come to haunt me again.

I just conquered the throat virus last two weeks without taking a day of medical leave and now i'm down. I long for a calm and peaceful mind.
Have requested to my hubby for a full day off till night on one of the saturdays to spend time with two of my girlfriends. they plan the day for me. i shall go wherever they feel is good for my heart and soul.

I shall take some time off during the June break to think of my next step in my career.

Sleep

Haven't been getting enough sleep lately and I'm down with a bad throat. Just saw a doc and he prescribed some antibiotics. These two weeks not advisable to take medical leave cos it's the examination week. My dear Allyson was cranky last night and from 3 am onwards, she couldn't seem to get to sleep. Think I must think of ways to calm her down even more at night so that I can get some sleep too. She looked sooo tired when I carried up and strapped her in the car seat.

Waking up early in the morning is really stressful and I'm not sure how long I can take this kind of life.

Our HK trip may be cancelled given the situation now. Sigh...a long awaited holiday has to be shelved. Sometimes, we just had to appease our parents and put their worries at ease. It may not be good to be stubborn. Though my mum didn't insist that we cancel the trip, she has subtly hinted hahah.

Guess travelling is out of the question for me these 2 years. Fine, I shall use my time to do other things in singapore and think of ways to discipline my Allyson. She's really getting out of hand lately. Well, like what my mum-in-law said, there are advantages and disadvantages of putting a child in childcare centres at a young age. At the same time, hubby and i wondered if we had been too strict with Allyson?? I really don't know...sigh.... I look forward to having Baby No. 2 but so far, there's no news yet. If there's still no news by yr-end, I'd better just take long leave and make babies hahahhah

The Clock Is Ticking

I'm not sure if I can count myself to be a useless person. I don't seem to be as strong as I used to be and these days, not sure what kind of stress I"m under, I tend to 'crack'. I've not been sleeping well, I've been crying away and deep down inside me, I just want to SCREAM!!!
Today, I had some horrible thoughts. My daughter was really testing my patience today. I was sooo upset that I wanted to just leave her and I had regretful thoughts of having her. I even had regretful thoughts of getting married. I'm not sure how my life would be if I was not married but now, at times, I do regret getting married.

I know I'm not myself lately and I just can't seem to convince myself to be a better person. I kept having scary thoughts and I just want to give up everything one day and just disappear to a place where no one knows me.

Am I going through some emotional phases which I myself do not even know. I tried talking it out but I just can't seem to express it well. Instead, I'm being viewed as being too emotional and sensitive. Am I going crazy?!?! I seem to be the WEIRD one.
Nothing I do seem to make me happy.
I wake up in the early morning daily and stare out of my window wondering what in the world am I living for?? I know many would say that I should live for my daughter, live for my parents. Some will say that I should live for myself.

I seem to have a very high expectation of myself. Whenever I can't complete what I needed to complete, I get very frustrated and many times, the things that I need to do just pile up and soon I'm buried under the heap. I don't know how to get out of this pile and as time goes by, my guilt increases. There's no way I can finish the whole pile of things to do. I'm not happy with myself and sometimes I affect people around me. My cries probably irks my hubby

I don't know how to explain why I'm like that. I want to get out of it but I feel sooo trapped!!
I don't wish to hurt anyone especially my daughter. Sometimes I had no choice but to scream at her when she doesn't listen to me or when she does something that she should not have done. My sense of guilt just grew each day.
I know I'm not a good mother. Maybe I can be a better one in my next life......

Loving What We Are Doing

Thanks to all my friends and family members who have been soo encouraging and wonderful. I'm thus able to hang on till today. It's amazing how relationships can give support and allow us to lead better lives.
A friend who's going to get married soon salutes me for being able to handle many things since I got married. It's a miracle how I survived everything throughout these years. It's not easy switching roles from a single woman who has all the freedom to do anything she wants to a married woman who has to think of her family and everything that she does, she has to think twice as it doesn't just involve her along but the whole family as well.
Weekends with friends became weekends with family members only. When the child comes along, 99% of the weekends will be devoted to the child as well as to both families.

In-laws relationship is very delicate. What I've learnt is to be as submissive as I can to avoid all conflicts. This applies to handling the hubby too ahhaha. Lesser conflicts, more harmony in the house is what I always remind myself. Just try to love your in-laws as much as you love your parents and try to do little nice things for them.

I love to cook so sometimes when I have the time, I like to make drinks or desserts for my in-laws. SOmetimes it's the little thoughts that make a lot of difference.

Always remember to show utmost respect because that's what I want my child to learn as well.

It's never easy to deal with relationships and to deal with many many things that come with a marriage. We just have to take one thing at a time and pray very hard for more good things to come.

Bread and Butter

A friend commented on my blog that we are all working for our bread and butter. It's truly undeniable. Situation did not get any better. In fact, I go to work everyday fighting some wars with my work, trying to complete as much as I could and not pile up my work. When I get home, I am not able to work thus I try my best to complete whatever I can at work.
Sometimes, it's ironical to know that I even work on days when I'm on medical leave. There's just so much to do and so little time.

Some arrogant people may comment that it's a matter of time management. I beg to differ becos those people who said it are not in my shoes. I'm trying very hard to make myself happy everytime I get to my workplace. It has come a living hell now.

Everyday, when I step into my workplace, I look forward to going home to my family to seek solace. I'm trying to change my job but with the given situation and my limited finances, it's not too wise to embark on rash decisions.

Thus, I guess in the meantime, it's going back to my work and trying my best to complete before I take my daughter home. Hearing my daughter's laughter whenever she watches Elmo DVD or when she just runs towards me and hugs me makes me feel so guilty that I sometimes flare up at her when she just wanted more attention from me and I had to be busy with household chores which could not be put aside. I want so much to just leave my job and spend more time with her.

Really cracking my brain to take myself to a better work environment.

How Long Can I Last?

Today is yet another horried day at work. More things to do or should I say, more nitty gritty things to do. Things that are supposedly not very constructive. Here I am, thinking of my lesson observation last week, pondering over my paragraphs of reflection which I am supposed to submit these two days. My next lesson observation is tomorrow!! I just can't wait for it to be over. I'm not sure if I will just go crazy if I'm asked to do a third observation. I've never been humiliated in this way. Call me sensitive, call me a loser but I just could not get over all the comments that were given to me by an insensitive leader. I hate going to work these days, lugging my weary body and tired legs. I hate the environment, I hate nearly everyone at work. I think it's just me. I really don't know. I wanna get out of this stinky environment, get away from insane people before I go crazy myself!!

I must work towards a better tomorrow!!!

Disheartened

I'm truly disappointed in the way things are being done at my workplace. I just had a lesson observation and received critical comments from my boss. These comments are utterly unconstructive and there is not even a positive comment at all. I find the critical comments unreasonable too. I'm really trying to plan a way out of this whole system. Seriously, I love the kids, I love teaching but I hate the way things are being managed in schools. I'm not sure if it's the same at all other schools but I guess even if I were to transfer to another school, I can't guarantee that the same old problem won't surface.

I'm like a creature trapped in a horried place. I'm not able to move becos of financial committments. I have to think of Allyson, my house, my car, my parents etc. I don't think I can settle for a $2k job now as there are just much financial commitments to consider. In addition to that, I guess if I were to leave my job now, I would be deemed as CRAZY during this economy downturn. My parents and in laws may just faint of shock if they know of my intention to quit my job.

From tomorrow onwards, going to school is a drag. I cried so hard to my supervisor after hearing the unreasonable comments from the bigger boss. I've never cried so hard in all my eight years in this job. I felt sooooo unfair and sooooo upset that I just don't have the means to throw my resignation tomorrow at my boss. This is really horried.

My students were sweet. They knew that I had cried when I went back to class after the discussion. They asked me if everything was alright. I hope I can really hang on for their sake or at least for Allyson's sake. I must think of her future.

I pray hard that I can keep my sanity. It's another war when I go back to work tomorrow.

Year 2009

It has been a few months since I logged on to add my thoughts. It has been a busy few months for me and I believe I shall be busier as the months pass by. I have new bosses and it's really a challenge for everyone at workplace with new expectations, new goals etc.
Only a month had passed and I'm feeling the strain. I'm not sure if it's purely work but I know I've been soooo busy that I don't seem to be able to find time for Allyson. Seeing her 'stick' to me all the time at home whenever she reaches home from Playgroup lessons breaks my heart. I'm really looking forward to stopping work and just be with her. She may be mischievous, stubborn sometimes but it's still a joy looking at her daily.

My students this year seem rather nice. They may not be very good with their work but they are a group of lovable pupils. Sometimes, I feel that they are one of my motivation to go to work every morning. 24hours a day doesn't seem to be enough for me. I think if I don't need to sleep, I may be able to complete some more things. hahahha I guess it's not very possible. Every night, I fall asleep b4 9pm with Allyson. I planned to wake up again to do work but I really couldn't get up. Then when I plan to wake up at 4am to do work, I just couldn't. These days, I've been dreaming of my workplace a lot. I'm not sure how long I can take it.

I aim not to be on ML this year. Not sure if I can do it. I just contracted runny nose last friday and I quickly took flu medicine and felt better. I'm also trying for another baby. Seems that I don't have much luck after I decided to give up my 2nd baby. I still tear and feel sad whenever I thought of the painful decision of giving my 2nd baby up. I know it's been a long time. If I had kept my 2nd baby, she would have been about 8 months now. I've been trying again for the past 6 months. I know GOD has everything planned for me. I shall just leave everything in HIS hands. If I'm fated to just have one daughter, then I shall make sure that I raise Allyson up well.