I'm not sure if I can count myself to be a useless person. I don't seem to be as strong as I used to be and these days, not sure what kind of stress I"m under, I tend to 'crack'. I've not been sleeping well, I've been crying away and deep down inside me, I just want to SCREAM!!!
Today, I had some horrible thoughts. My daughter was really testing my patience today. I was sooo upset that I wanted to just leave her and I had regretful thoughts of having her. I even had regretful thoughts of getting married. I'm not sure how my life would be if I was not married but now, at times, I do regret getting married.
I know I'm not myself lately and I just can't seem to convince myself to be a better person. I kept having scary thoughts and I just want to give up everything one day and just disappear to a place where no one knows me.
Am I going through some emotional phases which I myself do not even know. I tried talking it out but I just can't seem to express it well. Instead, I'm being viewed as being too emotional and sensitive. Am I going crazy?!?! I seem to be the WEIRD one.
Nothing I do seem to make me happy.
I wake up in the early morning daily and stare out of my window wondering what in the world am I living for?? I know many would say that I should live for my daughter, live for my parents. Some will say that I should live for myself.
I seem to have a very high expectation of myself. Whenever I can't complete what I needed to complete, I get very frustrated and many times, the things that I need to do just pile up and soon I'm buried under the heap. I don't know how to get out of this pile and as time goes by, my guilt increases. There's no way I can finish the whole pile of things to do. I'm not happy with myself and sometimes I affect people around me. My cries probably irks my hubby
I don't know how to explain why I'm like that. I want to get out of it but I feel sooo trapped!!
I don't wish to hurt anyone especially my daughter. Sometimes I had no choice but to scream at her when she doesn't listen to me or when she does something that she should not have done. My sense of guilt just grew each day.
I know I'm not a good mother. Maybe I can be a better one in my next life......
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1 comment:
Hmm.. You need a change of working environment and a good get-away holiday (go stay in a sg chalet for 4 days also good)...
I used to wake up and stare at the ceiling as long as I can before going off to work...
Sometimes working in the same environment for too long produce negative energy... I also almost thought that I'll go crazy when I was working in M*nl*w..
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