I went back to school today and received much pats and support from colleagues. When I got back home, I read comments left by two good friends. Thank you to all who have given me the support and tried to perk me up. I will definitely live my life more fruitfully from now on.
I was sharing with Jasper during lunch that after I gave birth to Allyson, I've learnt to take things easier and not be too particular about the way I do things or the way others do things. I must say, after the abortion, I've learnt to take things even easier than the time after I gave birth. Somehow, it's heartening to know that I'm able to take things easy and not be too hard on myself. When I was younger, I tend to expect too much from myself as well as from others. After marriage and later on becoming a mother has totally changed my view on many things.
I remember one day when I was waiting for Jasper to unload some boxes to my mother's new house, a malay family was going out too. They were driving a 7-seater. Actually it was alright for them to turn out but somehow I guess they were worried that they may scratch their car. I got out of the car and told the wife to give us just 5 minutes and my hubby will be down soon. I was smiling and even apologised to them. Instead of appreciating, this malay lady just shot be a very impatient look and started showing some hand signals. I was totally hurt. I was just asking for a few minutes and even apologised for the inconvenience. In the end, this is how I was being treated. At that time, it dawned on me that the sentence 'it does not pay to be kind' seems very apt. I was very angry at that time. I guess, I may not be that angry now if the same thing happens again.
When I got to know of my unborn child's condition, I actually had thoughts like 'have I done anything wrong that caused my child to have some a condition', 'maybe I had offended people', 'maybe I should be more forgiving towards others who treat me badly'.... there were so many 'maybes' in my head. In this world, does it mean that if I do good, good things will befall me?? I really don't know. Whether life is fair or not, I don't know either.
All I know is for the sake of Allyson, I believe I should do more good deeds and be more patient as well as take things easier so that Allyson will have a good life.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Poor Allyson
On Thursday, My mother and I had to take Allyson back from the infant care centre. She had fever. From Thursday onwards, after we brought her to the PD, her fever went up and down till today. Just this morning, we were very happy that there was no more fever but when evening came, her fever came back. The last check was 37.2 degree celsius.
I'm praying very hard that her fever will go away soon. Jasper and I felt very sad when we see the restlessness in her. My mum in law even cried seeing her fall sick. We have decided to get a maid. It's quite terrible to see Allyson suffer. We put her into infant care in Aug and till now, about three months, she had been sick a few times. twice fever and twice running nose and cough.
On Thursday when I brought her back home, I was very very scared that I may lose her. I can't afford to lose my daughter. I've already lost a child. I don't know what will become of me if I were to lose Allyson. Some may think that it's a silly thought as all babies do get sick. No matter what others say, I still do not feel secure until she is really well. As parents, it's our duty to make sure that she gets well and protected.
I pray that Allyson will get well soon.
I'm praying very hard that her fever will go away soon. Jasper and I felt very sad when we see the restlessness in her. My mum in law even cried seeing her fall sick. We have decided to get a maid. It's quite terrible to see Allyson suffer. We put her into infant care in Aug and till now, about three months, she had been sick a few times. twice fever and twice running nose and cough.
On Thursday when I brought her back home, I was very very scared that I may lose her. I can't afford to lose my daughter. I've already lost a child. I don't know what will become of me if I were to lose Allyson. Some may think that it's a silly thought as all babies do get sick. No matter what others say, I still do not feel secure until she is really well. As parents, it's our duty to make sure that she gets well and protected.
I pray that Allyson will get well soon.
The Abortion
Both Jasper and I carried a heavy heart as we reached the hospital. No matter how upset we were, we both tried to make each other happy. The procedure was very smooth. It took just half an hour and I was brought back to the ward to rest for about 2 hours.
All I remembered when I was pushed to the operating theatre, was the oxygen mask. When I woke up, there was no pain at all. All I had was bleeding, just like the normal menses. Doc told me that it would take about 2 weeks to clear. I woke up with a sore throat and he explained that he had inserted a tube into my throat cos of the oxygen. Just like the kind we see on TV serials.
My sore throat healed by Friday.
I do think of my unborn child and I try to numb myself by doing lots of stuff at home.
On Thursday, my breasts swelled and I had to squeeze out the colustrum to reduce the swelling. If I do not do it, the lumps may develop into cancerous cells. As I was squeezing out the milk, I was crying uncontrollably. The pain was not from the swollen breasts but from my heart. I decided to fully breast feed my second child so that it will have greater immunity. I guess I shall give it to my third child. Jasper and I decided to try for a child after one year.
We are still waiting for the results of the test of the genes. Shall pray for the best and hope that whatever happened to this second child will not happen to any of the other children.
All I remembered when I was pushed to the operating theatre, was the oxygen mask. When I woke up, there was no pain at all. All I had was bleeding, just like the normal menses. Doc told me that it would take about 2 weeks to clear. I woke up with a sore throat and he explained that he had inserted a tube into my throat cos of the oxygen. Just like the kind we see on TV serials.
My sore throat healed by Friday.
I do think of my unborn child and I try to numb myself by doing lots of stuff at home.
On Thursday, my breasts swelled and I had to squeeze out the colustrum to reduce the swelling. If I do not do it, the lumps may develop into cancerous cells. As I was squeezing out the milk, I was crying uncontrollably. The pain was not from the swollen breasts but from my heart. I decided to fully breast feed my second child so that it will have greater immunity. I guess I shall give it to my third child. Jasper and I decided to try for a child after one year.
We are still waiting for the results of the test of the genes. Shall pray for the best and hope that whatever happened to this second child will not happen to any of the other children.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Unexpected Turn of Events
On 8th October 2007 (Monday), I went for my usual check up and the gynae for my 2nd baby. Jasper and I were greeted by a shocking news which both of us didn't know how to react. Through the scan, a big swell was spotted on the neck area of the foetus. My gynae was not too optimistic about it. After a few seconds, he spotted a space at the throat area. He sat both of us down near his table and started explaining to us. He told us to go for a second scan at Thomson Medical on 15 Oct. There is a possibility that I may have to terminate my pregnancy.
For the whole week, we were trying to remain positive but at the same time not knowing what to do as gynae could not give a name to the swelling. He said it could be chromosonal or it could be other kinds of defects.
On 15 October 2007 (Monday) at 10am, I was at Thomson Medical for a viability scan. The head sonographer scanned for quite a while and told Jasper and I the same thing that my gynae had told us. The swell is known as Cystic Hygroma. We brought the films back to my gynae before noon and he further explained that in this case, if I were to continue with the pregnancy, my poor baby may have to go through a massive operation after birth. I can't imagine a baby barely a week old going through such operation. He added that even after the operation, there may be other complications which would affect other parts of the baby's body. I told my gynae we needed an hour to decide whether to terminate the pregnancy or not. If we decided to terminate, it would have to be done within the one or two days as I am already in my 15th week. After these few days, I would have to go through induced labour. It's a 50-50 chance.
Jasper and I sat down at Gelare and started to discuss. We were overcome with emotions and tears just could not stop flowing down from my cheeks. I didn't have the confidence and courage to keep this baby. Jasper felt that if I continued with the pregnancy, there may be a chance the baby may recover (meaning the swell may be gone). We decided to ask Jasper's sister to check out some information on Cystic Hygroma. Indeed, we were more enlightened with what we found out. It is lymphatic and had something to do with white blood cells. Most babies either can't survive the whole 40 weeks or they just do not survive long after birth.
We went back to my gynae and made an appointment to terminate the pregnancy today
(16 October 2007) in the afternoon. He told us that it's a kind of chance occurence and we may not get it again in the next pregnancy. This whole condition has nothing to do with either of our blood too. We left the clinic with a heavy heart. Jasper tried to cheer me up but I know deep down, it's not easy for him either. Gynae gave me two pills and told me to take in the morning about 6 hours before the termination of pregnancy. After that, I can't eat or drink anything throughout the whole 6 hours until after the termination is done.
When we got home, Jasper went to a forum that talks about the condition that my baby has. There's a case in the West where a child with this condition lived till 11 years old. Because of the swell, the looks of the child is not normal like other kids. The mother commented that the child could count and speak too. There were other examples too. A child with this condition was born but would not speak as the swell had affected the voice box and throat.
As I'm typing now, there's a few more hours to go before I make my way to the hospital with Jasper. This morning, over breakfast, I told Jasper that I can't bear to bring our child to this world to go through all the torture. It breaks my heart to have to terminate my pregnancy but I don't have the courage to go through what the other mothers had gone through in the West. I may be very selfish but what would happen to my poor child if both of us were gone from this world one day. Many years ago, I was with a volunteer group and we brought adults with physical disabilities (on wheel chair or with walking sticks) out. While we were in the train cabin, we received many stares from adults and children. I told myself that if people in Singapore can't even treat others with physical disabilities in a friendly manner, how will they treat a child with an abnormal appearance! Others may condemn me for killing my child but I do not want my child to go through all the unhappiness, discrimination and weird startes throughout his/her childhood.
I pray very hard that the gods and ancestors will take good care of my unborn second child after the termination is done.
To my unborn child : Everyone of us in the family loves you very much. Please forgive Daddy and Mummy for making this decision. We will remember you in our hearts.
For the whole week, we were trying to remain positive but at the same time not knowing what to do as gynae could not give a name to the swelling. He said it could be chromosonal or it could be other kinds of defects.
On 15 October 2007 (Monday) at 10am, I was at Thomson Medical for a viability scan. The head sonographer scanned for quite a while and told Jasper and I the same thing that my gynae had told us. The swell is known as Cystic Hygroma. We brought the films back to my gynae before noon and he further explained that in this case, if I were to continue with the pregnancy, my poor baby may have to go through a massive operation after birth. I can't imagine a baby barely a week old going through such operation. He added that even after the operation, there may be other complications which would affect other parts of the baby's body. I told my gynae we needed an hour to decide whether to terminate the pregnancy or not. If we decided to terminate, it would have to be done within the one or two days as I am already in my 15th week. After these few days, I would have to go through induced labour. It's a 50-50 chance.
Jasper and I sat down at Gelare and started to discuss. We were overcome with emotions and tears just could not stop flowing down from my cheeks. I didn't have the confidence and courage to keep this baby. Jasper felt that if I continued with the pregnancy, there may be a chance the baby may recover (meaning the swell may be gone). We decided to ask Jasper's sister to check out some information on Cystic Hygroma. Indeed, we were more enlightened with what we found out. It is lymphatic and had something to do with white blood cells. Most babies either can't survive the whole 40 weeks or they just do not survive long after birth.
We went back to my gynae and made an appointment to terminate the pregnancy today
(16 October 2007) in the afternoon. He told us that it's a kind of chance occurence and we may not get it again in the next pregnancy. This whole condition has nothing to do with either of our blood too. We left the clinic with a heavy heart. Jasper tried to cheer me up but I know deep down, it's not easy for him either. Gynae gave me two pills and told me to take in the morning about 6 hours before the termination of pregnancy. After that, I can't eat or drink anything throughout the whole 6 hours until after the termination is done.
When we got home, Jasper went to a forum that talks about the condition that my baby has. There's a case in the West where a child with this condition lived till 11 years old. Because of the swell, the looks of the child is not normal like other kids. The mother commented that the child could count and speak too. There were other examples too. A child with this condition was born but would not speak as the swell had affected the voice box and throat.
As I'm typing now, there's a few more hours to go before I make my way to the hospital with Jasper. This morning, over breakfast, I told Jasper that I can't bear to bring our child to this world to go through all the torture. It breaks my heart to have to terminate my pregnancy but I don't have the courage to go through what the other mothers had gone through in the West. I may be very selfish but what would happen to my poor child if both of us were gone from this world one day. Many years ago, I was with a volunteer group and we brought adults with physical disabilities (on wheel chair or with walking sticks) out. While we were in the train cabin, we received many stares from adults and children. I told myself that if people in Singapore can't even treat others with physical disabilities in a friendly manner, how will they treat a child with an abnormal appearance! Others may condemn me for killing my child but I do not want my child to go through all the unhappiness, discrimination and weird startes throughout his/her childhood.
I pray very hard that the gods and ancestors will take good care of my unborn second child after the termination is done.
To my unborn child : Everyone of us in the family loves you very much. Please forgive Daddy and Mummy for making this decision. We will remember you in our hearts.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Counting Down to Hols and Pregnancy
It's week 5 of the school term. I'm really looking forward to the holidays. I may not be travelling anywhere cos I will be about 4-5 months pregnant by then. My holidays will officially start from Nov 26 cos we have to be in school till 5pm for the first week of the hols. *shake head*
Jasper and I plan to take Allyson to Gymboree and some other enrichment classes to expose her to other kids as well as see what interest her. Going to spend my time sourcing for a maid too. Jasper and I felt that it's not very economical to put two kids in infant care cos I would rather get a maid to take care of my chores. Going to plan some gatherings too. I always like the year end cos it's near to X'mas and somehow, the feeling of getting together with friends makes me feel rather heartwarming.
The symptoms for my 2nd pregnancy is very different. I tend to be nausea throughout the day especially after every meal even when I've not eaten a lot...I tend to be very very sleepy too hahaha usually, I would be in bed with Allyson by 8 plus. She would be exploring her hands and fingers while I would be in dreamland hahaah. The whole experience this time is different from the time I had Allyson. Many friends have been asking me if I know the gender hahah.
I told them that it's a bit early to tell and if this second child is as shy as Allyson, then i would have to wait till the 5th month to go for the detailed scan. When I had Allyson, my gynae couldn't confirm if it was a boy or girl. He saw something coming out of the private part. At first he was quite sure, it's a boy but before we left the room, he told us that it's a 50-50 chance that it's a girl too. Indeed, the little thing that came out of the private part is actually her finger hahah.
The detailed scan is a very interesting one that shows the organs in the baby. Jasper and I saw Allyson doing some gymnastic stunts with her legs folded up when we went for the scan. She was really a cutie hahhaha Even till now, she's bringing up her legs every morning :)
I took medical leave today. Woke up feeling very nausea and pain in my pelvic area. I thought I better not go to school or else I may be more of a hindrance than help.
To all my friends out there, have a great week ahead and to all my teacher friends out there, let's all look forward to the hols hahahah *hugshugs*
Jasper and I plan to take Allyson to Gymboree and some other enrichment classes to expose her to other kids as well as see what interest her. Going to spend my time sourcing for a maid too. Jasper and I felt that it's not very economical to put two kids in infant care cos I would rather get a maid to take care of my chores. Going to plan some gatherings too. I always like the year end cos it's near to X'mas and somehow, the feeling of getting together with friends makes me feel rather heartwarming.
The symptoms for my 2nd pregnancy is very different. I tend to be nausea throughout the day especially after every meal even when I've not eaten a lot...I tend to be very very sleepy too hahaha usually, I would be in bed with Allyson by 8 plus. She would be exploring her hands and fingers while I would be in dreamland hahaah. The whole experience this time is different from the time I had Allyson. Many friends have been asking me if I know the gender hahah.
I told them that it's a bit early to tell and if this second child is as shy as Allyson, then i would have to wait till the 5th month to go for the detailed scan. When I had Allyson, my gynae couldn't confirm if it was a boy or girl. He saw something coming out of the private part. At first he was quite sure, it's a boy but before we left the room, he told us that it's a 50-50 chance that it's a girl too. Indeed, the little thing that came out of the private part is actually her finger hahah.
The detailed scan is a very interesting one that shows the organs in the baby. Jasper and I saw Allyson doing some gymnastic stunts with her legs folded up when we went for the scan. She was really a cutie hahhaha Even till now, she's bringing up her legs every morning :)
I took medical leave today. Woke up feeling very nausea and pain in my pelvic area. I thought I better not go to school or else I may be more of a hindrance than help.
To all my friends out there, have a great week ahead and to all my teacher friends out there, let's all look forward to the hols hahahah *hugshugs*
Monday, October 1, 2007
Joy
It's October today. For the past month, I seemed to have been rather pessimistic mostly about work. It's the first day of the month, I should be more optimistic as there's only 7 weeks left to the school holidays and I'm definitely looking forward to Jasper's b'day in end Oct, my b'day and Jasper's sister's b'day in end Nov and of cos the wonderful X'mas season....the nice cookies, logcakes, lights and presents. I've always looked forward to X'mas....feels very blessed to be able to celebrate the festival when we reach the end of the year.
This month, Jasper, Allyson and I are going for a hotel stay to relax n chill out before the PSLE marking. I guess since I can't change what I'm marking, I shall go for some total relaxation before the marking starts. At the end of the month, I'm going to celebrate Jasper's b'day in Mortons of Chicago, a restaurant that serves very good steak and chocolate cake. The kind that has delicious, warm chocolate oozing out of the cake hahhaha. We have heard from friends who went there so this is the time when we must try it out. It would be after the PSLE marking so it's like something to look forward to during this stressful PSLE marking.
I'm also looking forward to Dec when I would always organiser a christmas gathering for both sides of my family and my cousin's family. This year, my auntie from m'sia may be joining us. She is the auntie (my father's elder sis ) who took care of me from young. I would be catering food so it's easier for me ahhaha. I shall see if I have the time to make my famous patties, cookies and cakes. Maybe I can rope in Allyson (who will be 8-9 months) to help me *wink*
This year, I reunited with some old friends. I guess I might wanna organise a small gathering with them during the school holidays. It would be nice to just chit-chat and talk about old times.
I can empathise with my friend arwen regarding her driving test. I went through the same experience a few years back. Spent quite a lot of my savings and after 3 tests, I didn't make it. During the last test, I was rather confident of passing and throughout the whole lessons, my instructor was pretty confident that I would pass. My fate was sealed by a very unreasonable tester. I still remembered the first thing he saw me was tell me that I better drive carefully as he would be watching my closely (first scare). After that, at stop lines, he actually asked me why I stopped there (he was at the same time talking to some other instructors at the circuit) - (2nd scare). All my 100% confidence was reduced to 50% by then. By the time it came to parking, I just could not do it right. I mounted the kerb once and he told me that I've failed. After saying that, he even had the cheek to ask if I wanted to drive out to the main road.....*duh* I controlled my tears as I left the driving centre. On the way to the carpark where my instructor was waiting for me, I could not control my tears anymore and started sobbing uncontrollably and in between sobs, I kept telling him what had happened.
After that, I didn't have the guts to take up driving till now. Jasper and family members kept encouraging me. Jasper was especially nice, he kept telling me that if some of those errant drivers can pass, why can't I? I guess driving is really not for someone like me who's always easily scared by people. I guess if I drive with more guts I can pass. Whenever I see people driving on the road, I realised that driving skills are not important, what's important is whether you dare to drive dangerously hahah.
I shall try to take up driving next year after the birth of my second child. Let's hope I can do well and not waste money again. :)
I agree with my friend Kimberly who left a comment on my blog about not knowing what we are doing. I totally agree with her that seeing how some of the new batch of teachers behave, it made us wonder how are they going to mould the next generation. I shiver at the thought of leaving my own children in their hands. Kimberly is right, we should always treasure what we have and live each day well. We may be rather confused at some point in time regarding our job but I just take it as it's a job and it gives me a decent salary to support my family and give me some luxuries at times. Until I'm capable enough to really do something which I like (which is opening a cafe), I guess I shall just stay on in this decent job with a decent salary and just look forward to little pleasures in life.
This month, Jasper, Allyson and I are going for a hotel stay to relax n chill out before the PSLE marking. I guess since I can't change what I'm marking, I shall go for some total relaxation before the marking starts. At the end of the month, I'm going to celebrate Jasper's b'day in Mortons of Chicago, a restaurant that serves very good steak and chocolate cake. The kind that has delicious, warm chocolate oozing out of the cake hahhaha. We have heard from friends who went there so this is the time when we must try it out. It would be after the PSLE marking so it's like something to look forward to during this stressful PSLE marking.
I'm also looking forward to Dec when I would always organiser a christmas gathering for both sides of my family and my cousin's family. This year, my auntie from m'sia may be joining us. She is the auntie (my father's elder sis ) who took care of me from young. I would be catering food so it's easier for me ahhaha. I shall see if I have the time to make my famous patties, cookies and cakes. Maybe I can rope in Allyson (who will be 8-9 months) to help me *wink*
This year, I reunited with some old friends. I guess I might wanna organise a small gathering with them during the school holidays. It would be nice to just chit-chat and talk about old times.
I can empathise with my friend arwen regarding her driving test. I went through the same experience a few years back. Spent quite a lot of my savings and after 3 tests, I didn't make it. During the last test, I was rather confident of passing and throughout the whole lessons, my instructor was pretty confident that I would pass. My fate was sealed by a very unreasonable tester. I still remembered the first thing he saw me was tell me that I better drive carefully as he would be watching my closely (first scare). After that, at stop lines, he actually asked me why I stopped there (he was at the same time talking to some other instructors at the circuit) - (2nd scare). All my 100% confidence was reduced to 50% by then. By the time it came to parking, I just could not do it right. I mounted the kerb once and he told me that I've failed. After saying that, he even had the cheek to ask if I wanted to drive out to the main road.....*duh* I controlled my tears as I left the driving centre. On the way to the carpark where my instructor was waiting for me, I could not control my tears anymore and started sobbing uncontrollably and in between sobs, I kept telling him what had happened.
After that, I didn't have the guts to take up driving till now. Jasper and family members kept encouraging me. Jasper was especially nice, he kept telling me that if some of those errant drivers can pass, why can't I? I guess driving is really not for someone like me who's always easily scared by people. I guess if I drive with more guts I can pass. Whenever I see people driving on the road, I realised that driving skills are not important, what's important is whether you dare to drive dangerously hahah.
I shall try to take up driving next year after the birth of my second child. Let's hope I can do well and not waste money again. :)
I agree with my friend Kimberly who left a comment on my blog about not knowing what we are doing. I totally agree with her that seeing how some of the new batch of teachers behave, it made us wonder how are they going to mould the next generation. I shiver at the thought of leaving my own children in their hands. Kimberly is right, we should always treasure what we have and live each day well. We may be rather confused at some point in time regarding our job but I just take it as it's a job and it gives me a decent salary to support my family and give me some luxuries at times. Until I'm capable enough to really do something which I like (which is opening a cafe), I guess I shall just stay on in this decent job with a decent salary and just look forward to little pleasures in life.
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