A Calm and Peaceful Mind

Hubby recently commented that i should put up some posts on happy incidents that happened to me. I guess my happiest moment was when allyson and jasper presented a kate spade bag to me. very very sweet of him. It's for mother's day. He actually went to buy after work, came home and went to take me from work. He really knew how to keep things under wraps.

Since the beginning of this year, i've been going through some unhappiness with my job, with some people around me. it's amazing how i could have allowed these people to affect my life. much as i like to ignore all them, i have to face them all the time. i felt that i'm slackening in my work and not doing justice to my stakeholders. it's not easy being where i am today. i can't just leave everything behind and move on to a new environment. moreoever, i do not have many openings to choose from.

recently, a stakeholder commented that i have not done enough for my client. it was a shelling session at a closed-door meeting. it set me wondering whether i should be in this profession at all. the things that were said really affected me. if i have 40 clients, it's my duty to address each and every one of their needs and to understand them fully. that's what my stakeholder said.
He may be right but I just hated the way he put things through. He seriously have some kind of EGO problem. I've been trying to ignore it these few days and went on with my work. At the back of my mind, i still think of what this stakeholder said. If I go crazy, I shall remember to haunt him for the rest of his life.

I had a dream last night. I'm not sure if i was too pressed up inside but I actually dreamt that I went crazy. i was screaming non-stop in my dream. when I woke up, i was in a daze and slipped in my bathroom. after that, i felt pain on the right side of my waist. going to see a doc soon cos the pain lingers as i walk and it's very disturbing. not sure if that dream will come to haunt me again.

I just conquered the throat virus last two weeks without taking a day of medical leave and now i'm down. I long for a calm and peaceful mind.
Have requested to my hubby for a full day off till night on one of the saturdays to spend time with two of my girlfriends. they plan the day for me. i shall go wherever they feel is good for my heart and soul.

I shall take some time off during the June break to think of my next step in my career.

Sleep

Haven't been getting enough sleep lately and I'm down with a bad throat. Just saw a doc and he prescribed some antibiotics. These two weeks not advisable to take medical leave cos it's the examination week. My dear Allyson was cranky last night and from 3 am onwards, she couldn't seem to get to sleep. Think I must think of ways to calm her down even more at night so that I can get some sleep too. She looked sooo tired when I carried up and strapped her in the car seat.

Waking up early in the morning is really stressful and I'm not sure how long I can take this kind of life.

Our HK trip may be cancelled given the situation now. Sigh...a long awaited holiday has to be shelved. Sometimes, we just had to appease our parents and put their worries at ease. It may not be good to be stubborn. Though my mum didn't insist that we cancel the trip, she has subtly hinted hahah.

Guess travelling is out of the question for me these 2 years. Fine, I shall use my time to do other things in singapore and think of ways to discipline my Allyson. She's really getting out of hand lately. Well, like what my mum-in-law said, there are advantages and disadvantages of putting a child in childcare centres at a young age. At the same time, hubby and i wondered if we had been too strict with Allyson?? I really don't know...sigh.... I look forward to having Baby No. 2 but so far, there's no news yet. If there's still no news by yr-end, I'd better just take long leave and make babies hahahhah

The Clock Is Ticking

I'm not sure if I can count myself to be a useless person. I don't seem to be as strong as I used to be and these days, not sure what kind of stress I"m under, I tend to 'crack'. I've not been sleeping well, I've been crying away and deep down inside me, I just want to SCREAM!!!
Today, I had some horrible thoughts. My daughter was really testing my patience today. I was sooo upset that I wanted to just leave her and I had regretful thoughts of having her. I even had regretful thoughts of getting married. I'm not sure how my life would be if I was not married but now, at times, I do regret getting married.

I know I'm not myself lately and I just can't seem to convince myself to be a better person. I kept having scary thoughts and I just want to give up everything one day and just disappear to a place where no one knows me.

Am I going through some emotional phases which I myself do not even know. I tried talking it out but I just can't seem to express it well. Instead, I'm being viewed as being too emotional and sensitive. Am I going crazy?!?! I seem to be the WEIRD one.
Nothing I do seem to make me happy.
I wake up in the early morning daily and stare out of my window wondering what in the world am I living for?? I know many would say that I should live for my daughter, live for my parents. Some will say that I should live for myself.

I seem to have a very high expectation of myself. Whenever I can't complete what I needed to complete, I get very frustrated and many times, the things that I need to do just pile up and soon I'm buried under the heap. I don't know how to get out of this pile and as time goes by, my guilt increases. There's no way I can finish the whole pile of things to do. I'm not happy with myself and sometimes I affect people around me. My cries probably irks my hubby

I don't know how to explain why I'm like that. I want to get out of it but I feel sooo trapped!!
I don't wish to hurt anyone especially my daughter. Sometimes I had no choice but to scream at her when she doesn't listen to me or when she does something that she should not have done. My sense of guilt just grew each day.
I know I'm not a good mother. Maybe I can be a better one in my next life......

Loving What We Are Doing

Thanks to all my friends and family members who have been soo encouraging and wonderful. I'm thus able to hang on till today. It's amazing how relationships can give support and allow us to lead better lives.
A friend who's going to get married soon salutes me for being able to handle many things since I got married. It's a miracle how I survived everything throughout these years. It's not easy switching roles from a single woman who has all the freedom to do anything she wants to a married woman who has to think of her family and everything that she does, she has to think twice as it doesn't just involve her along but the whole family as well.
Weekends with friends became weekends with family members only. When the child comes along, 99% of the weekends will be devoted to the child as well as to both families.

In-laws relationship is very delicate. What I've learnt is to be as submissive as I can to avoid all conflicts. This applies to handling the hubby too ahhaha. Lesser conflicts, more harmony in the house is what I always remind myself. Just try to love your in-laws as much as you love your parents and try to do little nice things for them.

I love to cook so sometimes when I have the time, I like to make drinks or desserts for my in-laws. SOmetimes it's the little thoughts that make a lot of difference.

Always remember to show utmost respect because that's what I want my child to learn as well.

It's never easy to deal with relationships and to deal with many many things that come with a marriage. We just have to take one thing at a time and pray very hard for more good things to come.

Bread and Butter

A friend commented on my blog that we are all working for our bread and butter. It's truly undeniable. Situation did not get any better. In fact, I go to work everyday fighting some wars with my work, trying to complete as much as I could and not pile up my work. When I get home, I am not able to work thus I try my best to complete whatever I can at work.
Sometimes, it's ironical to know that I even work on days when I'm on medical leave. There's just so much to do and so little time.

Some arrogant people may comment that it's a matter of time management. I beg to differ becos those people who said it are not in my shoes. I'm trying very hard to make myself happy everytime I get to my workplace. It has come a living hell now.

Everyday, when I step into my workplace, I look forward to going home to my family to seek solace. I'm trying to change my job but with the given situation and my limited finances, it's not too wise to embark on rash decisions.

Thus, I guess in the meantime, it's going back to my work and trying my best to complete before I take my daughter home. Hearing my daughter's laughter whenever she watches Elmo DVD or when she just runs towards me and hugs me makes me feel so guilty that I sometimes flare up at her when she just wanted more attention from me and I had to be busy with household chores which could not be put aside. I want so much to just leave my job and spend more time with her.

Really cracking my brain to take myself to a better work environment.

How Long Can I Last?

Today is yet another horried day at work. More things to do or should I say, more nitty gritty things to do. Things that are supposedly not very constructive. Here I am, thinking of my lesson observation last week, pondering over my paragraphs of reflection which I am supposed to submit these two days. My next lesson observation is tomorrow!! I just can't wait for it to be over. I'm not sure if I will just go crazy if I'm asked to do a third observation. I've never been humiliated in this way. Call me sensitive, call me a loser but I just could not get over all the comments that were given to me by an insensitive leader. I hate going to work these days, lugging my weary body and tired legs. I hate the environment, I hate nearly everyone at work. I think it's just me. I really don't know. I wanna get out of this stinky environment, get away from insane people before I go crazy myself!!

I must work towards a better tomorrow!!!

Disheartened

I'm truly disappointed in the way things are being done at my workplace. I just had a lesson observation and received critical comments from my boss. These comments are utterly unconstructive and there is not even a positive comment at all. I find the critical comments unreasonable too. I'm really trying to plan a way out of this whole system. Seriously, I love the kids, I love teaching but I hate the way things are being managed in schools. I'm not sure if it's the same at all other schools but I guess even if I were to transfer to another school, I can't guarantee that the same old problem won't surface.

I'm like a creature trapped in a horried place. I'm not able to move becos of financial committments. I have to think of Allyson, my house, my car, my parents etc. I don't think I can settle for a $2k job now as there are just much financial commitments to consider. In addition to that, I guess if I were to leave my job now, I would be deemed as CRAZY during this economy downturn. My parents and in laws may just faint of shock if they know of my intention to quit my job.

From tomorrow onwards, going to school is a drag. I cried so hard to my supervisor after hearing the unreasonable comments from the bigger boss. I've never cried so hard in all my eight years in this job. I felt sooooo unfair and sooooo upset that I just don't have the means to throw my resignation tomorrow at my boss. This is really horried.

My students were sweet. They knew that I had cried when I went back to class after the discussion. They asked me if everything was alright. I hope I can really hang on for their sake or at least for Allyson's sake. I must think of her future.

I pray hard that I can keep my sanity. It's another war when I go back to work tomorrow.