Happiness

Happiness is not just felt when good things fall on ourselves.

Happiness is also felt when good things befall other people. I'm very very happy over the amount of money that has been raised for Little Charmaine when I read My Paper this morning.

I pray hard that she will be able to get the necessary treatment and live a life filled with goodness and of cos good health. I also pray that her family members will also be happy and able to cope well financially.

Last but not least, I pray hard that all my family members are in good health and will be happy in whatever they do especially my precious Allyson :))

A Decision Made

After 7 months of deciding whether I should continue with what i'm doing, I've decided to stay on. Financially it's not advisable to just take off and not bother about anything. I want to give my child whatever that are within my means and to make sure I take good care of her. I can't afford to just leave what I'm doing to pursue what I really want. It's not rational.

Many of us are like that I guess. We must take a look at our priorities. My priority is to make sure my child is well taken care of and to make sure that none of us in the family including grandparents need to go through hunger pangs. Thus, no matter how unhappy I may be in what I'm doing, I shall just hang on and think of the big picture. I shall always look forward to going home to my little girl and leave whatever unhappiness behind.

Unhappiness shall not step into my home! I shall learn from others who are still going on strong even they are going through bad times in their lives.

From a mother to another mother

My hubby chanced upon Little Charmaine's blog just last night. We loaded her blog up onto my blog. Only today did I really sit down and read what her mother wrote in the blog as well as view pictures of this fiesty little girl.

As a mother to a 2-year-old, I can understand what Cynthia is going through. When Allyson went for blood test becos of high fever, her screams really chilled my heart. Jasper nearly cried seeing her writhed in pain. Of cos, this little pain is nothing compared to what Little Charmaine is going through. Imagine, both of us felt like crying seeing our little girl suffer when her little finger gets pricked for blood test, what more for another mother to see own little girl go through all sorts of tests and chemotherapy.

When I aborted my second child, I couldn't forgive myself even till now. On one hand, I had no right to take away her little life. On the other hand, I couldn't bear to see her suffer if I were to bring her to this harsh world knowing the type of condition she suffered from. Both Jasper and I clenched our painful heart and told my gynae our decision to go for abortion.

I salute Cynthia for being so strong even having to go through a broken marriage and taking care of her two precious ones.

No mother wants to see their children suffer. No mother wants to be away from their children.

Cynthia, hang in there! I'm sure things will go on well for Charmaine. Have faith!
Little Charmaine, you must grow up to love mummy even more!

Let's help Charmaine

A little girl who needs support and help in her battle against cancer. Click on the link to read her blog.

A Calm and Peaceful Mind

Hubby recently commented that i should put up some posts on happy incidents that happened to me. I guess my happiest moment was when allyson and jasper presented a kate spade bag to me. very very sweet of him. It's for mother's day. He actually went to buy after work, came home and went to take me from work. He really knew how to keep things under wraps.

Since the beginning of this year, i've been going through some unhappiness with my job, with some people around me. it's amazing how i could have allowed these people to affect my life. much as i like to ignore all them, i have to face them all the time. i felt that i'm slackening in my work and not doing justice to my stakeholders. it's not easy being where i am today. i can't just leave everything behind and move on to a new environment. moreoever, i do not have many openings to choose from.

recently, a stakeholder commented that i have not done enough for my client. it was a shelling session at a closed-door meeting. it set me wondering whether i should be in this profession at all. the things that were said really affected me. if i have 40 clients, it's my duty to address each and every one of their needs and to understand them fully. that's what my stakeholder said.
He may be right but I just hated the way he put things through. He seriously have some kind of EGO problem. I've been trying to ignore it these few days and went on with my work. At the back of my mind, i still think of what this stakeholder said. If I go crazy, I shall remember to haunt him for the rest of his life.

I had a dream last night. I'm not sure if i was too pressed up inside but I actually dreamt that I went crazy. i was screaming non-stop in my dream. when I woke up, i was in a daze and slipped in my bathroom. after that, i felt pain on the right side of my waist. going to see a doc soon cos the pain lingers as i walk and it's very disturbing. not sure if that dream will come to haunt me again.

I just conquered the throat virus last two weeks without taking a day of medical leave and now i'm down. I long for a calm and peaceful mind.
Have requested to my hubby for a full day off till night on one of the saturdays to spend time with two of my girlfriends. they plan the day for me. i shall go wherever they feel is good for my heart and soul.

I shall take some time off during the June break to think of my next step in my career.

Sleep

Haven't been getting enough sleep lately and I'm down with a bad throat. Just saw a doc and he prescribed some antibiotics. These two weeks not advisable to take medical leave cos it's the examination week. My dear Allyson was cranky last night and from 3 am onwards, she couldn't seem to get to sleep. Think I must think of ways to calm her down even more at night so that I can get some sleep too. She looked sooo tired when I carried up and strapped her in the car seat.

Waking up early in the morning is really stressful and I'm not sure how long I can take this kind of life.

Our HK trip may be cancelled given the situation now. Sigh...a long awaited holiday has to be shelved. Sometimes, we just had to appease our parents and put their worries at ease. It may not be good to be stubborn. Though my mum didn't insist that we cancel the trip, she has subtly hinted hahah.

Guess travelling is out of the question for me these 2 years. Fine, I shall use my time to do other things in singapore and think of ways to discipline my Allyson. She's really getting out of hand lately. Well, like what my mum-in-law said, there are advantages and disadvantages of putting a child in childcare centres at a young age. At the same time, hubby and i wondered if we had been too strict with Allyson?? I really don't know...sigh.... I look forward to having Baby No. 2 but so far, there's no news yet. If there's still no news by yr-end, I'd better just take long leave and make babies hahahhah

The Clock Is Ticking

I'm not sure if I can count myself to be a useless person. I don't seem to be as strong as I used to be and these days, not sure what kind of stress I"m under, I tend to 'crack'. I've not been sleeping well, I've been crying away and deep down inside me, I just want to SCREAM!!!
Today, I had some horrible thoughts. My daughter was really testing my patience today. I was sooo upset that I wanted to just leave her and I had regretful thoughts of having her. I even had regretful thoughts of getting married. I'm not sure how my life would be if I was not married but now, at times, I do regret getting married.

I know I'm not myself lately and I just can't seem to convince myself to be a better person. I kept having scary thoughts and I just want to give up everything one day and just disappear to a place where no one knows me.

Am I going through some emotional phases which I myself do not even know. I tried talking it out but I just can't seem to express it well. Instead, I'm being viewed as being too emotional and sensitive. Am I going crazy?!?! I seem to be the WEIRD one.
Nothing I do seem to make me happy.
I wake up in the early morning daily and stare out of my window wondering what in the world am I living for?? I know many would say that I should live for my daughter, live for my parents. Some will say that I should live for myself.

I seem to have a very high expectation of myself. Whenever I can't complete what I needed to complete, I get very frustrated and many times, the things that I need to do just pile up and soon I'm buried under the heap. I don't know how to get out of this pile and as time goes by, my guilt increases. There's no way I can finish the whole pile of things to do. I'm not happy with myself and sometimes I affect people around me. My cries probably irks my hubby

I don't know how to explain why I'm like that. I want to get out of it but I feel sooo trapped!!
I don't wish to hurt anyone especially my daughter. Sometimes I had no choice but to scream at her when she doesn't listen to me or when she does something that she should not have done. My sense of guilt just grew each day.
I know I'm not a good mother. Maybe I can be a better one in my next life......