Just last Sunday, I took 2 P5 pupils to United Square for the Upwords Challenge organised by Standard Chartered. There were also sponsors from Moo ice cream, Vitagen and Marigold Jelly.
My kids got into the semi finals and went home with a consolation prize (Monopoly set). It was an achievement for the school as we usually go home after the preliminary rounds ;p
On Saturday, my HOD took 2 P4 pupils and they went into the finals. They each received a Monopoly set and the school received a medal. The whole even lasted till 4pm and guess what I did during the few hours? I went SHOPPING!!!! hahahahah
Things at United Square were quite expensive so I had to really think through and choose my purchases carefully. The wonderful thing about United Square is there are sooo many kids' stuff. There are even a few shops selling interior designing for children's room. It was quite an experience as I had never been to United Square.
My brother just shifted to his new place and I passed my queen sized bed to my niece ad it was not used often. We shifted the sofa bed and TV console from one room to another. We decided to do up a playroom for Allyson these two months. Jasper suggested buying the foam mats which we can dismantle as and when we like and paste some interesting pictures on the wall for her play and learning experience. We are still decided whether to leave the study table with the play room or should we shift it to the other room with the tv console and sofa set. hmmm... space is a tricky area in my home ;p
ARGH!!! today I found ants on the ledge of my kitchen sliding door and the ledge of my mini storeroom. Both of us are very paranoid over ants so I took time to spray all the corner ledges first. I ran out of insecticide. I need to buy more later...
I'm looking forward to a nice holiday in HK as well as staying in Singapore. We have a list of things to complete this holidays. Hope that our financial and time factors are able to help us fulfil what we wanna do for the house :)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Insecurity
Sometimes, I wondered if I was not allowed to be happy with my life. Just yesterday, I had keyed in marks for pupils' exam papers and settled things that I planned to settle. I was quite happy and looked forward to going back to play with Allyson and spend time with Jasper too. My happiness was shortlived. Jasper was not well. He felt giddy and had to rest in bed. I took over the task of taking care of Allyson the whole afternoon. She slept quite a bit so it was not too bad. By 7pm, Jasper's giddiness worsened. Had to call my father-in -aw to come over and take him to the doctor. Doctor diagnosed as vertigo, a condition that causes Jasper to see stars and not able to walk straight. Doc says it's cos of the imbalance of fluid in the ear. I was so worried the whole afternoon and night.
My in-laws took Allyson back with them as Jasper had to rest at home the next day and it would be difficult for me to take Allyson to my in laws place early next morning. I was also rather tired as I didn't manage to rest at all even while Allyson slept. So, it was a good idea that they took her home in case I need to take care of Jasper in the night.
Today, my in laws told Jasper that Allyson had slight fever last night. Once again, it added on to my worries. I don't know why but when Jasper was at the clinic, as I was carrying Allyson, I had this immense insecurity. I was very afraid of losing Jasper. I prayed very hard telling the gods that I had already lost my second child. I can't imagine what would happen to me if anything happened to my loved ones. I had tears welling up my eyes and I was fighting very hard not to let the tears drop onto Allyson. I know it was silly of me but I just couldn't help feeling that way. I kept reassuring myself that everything's gonna be ok.
Sometimes, I get very sensitive towards comments made by my in laws regarding Allyson. I don't know why but at times, they made me feel that I've not looked after Allyson well. My greatest regret was not to consult a lactation consultant when I realised I could not pump out milk. If I had consulted the lactation consultant, then Allyson would not fall sick so often. The last time she had fever was about 2 weeks ago. These days, I get very paranoid if I l realised that she's abit feverish. I guess it's gods' will that I should not have a second one as they probably know that I would not be able to cope. I cried. Jasper gave me a hug.
I guess I really need a break. Jasper had very wonderfully booked tickets, accomodation and disneyland tickets for Hong Kong. I've never travelled to HK. Let's hope this trip will perk me up a little and prepare me for a brand new year.
My in-laws took Allyson back with them as Jasper had to rest at home the next day and it would be difficult for me to take Allyson to my in laws place early next morning. I was also rather tired as I didn't manage to rest at all even while Allyson slept. So, it was a good idea that they took her home in case I need to take care of Jasper in the night.
Today, my in laws told Jasper that Allyson had slight fever last night. Once again, it added on to my worries. I don't know why but when Jasper was at the clinic, as I was carrying Allyson, I had this immense insecurity. I was very afraid of losing Jasper. I prayed very hard telling the gods that I had already lost my second child. I can't imagine what would happen to me if anything happened to my loved ones. I had tears welling up my eyes and I was fighting very hard not to let the tears drop onto Allyson. I know it was silly of me but I just couldn't help feeling that way. I kept reassuring myself that everything's gonna be ok.
Sometimes, I get very sensitive towards comments made by my in laws regarding Allyson. I don't know why but at times, they made me feel that I've not looked after Allyson well. My greatest regret was not to consult a lactation consultant when I realised I could not pump out milk. If I had consulted the lactation consultant, then Allyson would not fall sick so often. The last time she had fever was about 2 weeks ago. These days, I get very paranoid if I l realised that she's abit feverish. I guess it's gods' will that I should not have a second one as they probably know that I would not be able to cope. I cried. Jasper gave me a hug.
I guess I really need a break. Jasper had very wonderfully booked tickets, accomodation and disneyland tickets for Hong Kong. I've never travelled to HK. Let's hope this trip will perk me up a little and prepare me for a brand new year.
Morton's of Chicago
Celebrated Jasper's b'day at Morton's recently. Was kind of surprised that Morton's not as fine dining as we thought it would be. It's just a very simple, cosy American restaurant. I must say the service was impeccable. After I made reservations, they asked for Jasper's name. When we reached our table, we discovered that the reason for them to ask for his name was to personalise the menu. There were some shimmering words and coffetti on the table as well. Halfway through our dinner, two of Morton's staff came to our table and sang a birthday song for him. At the end of our dinner, they even took a photo for us and presented the photo to us.
Morton's is famous for their steak and dessert. We didn't quite like the steak. Though we ordered the prime cut, it was sooo thick that we nearly wanted to give up eating the steak after 3/4 of it. Luckily we shared the steak. The complementary onion bread was not really to my likeing too. What impressed me most was the dessert with chocolate oozing out of the fudge cake We did not try to seafood but the lobster at the next table looked good ; )
We concluded that we still prefer the steak at Jack's place though Morton's price is really high.
We both decided that we shall just order the dessert and lobster on our next visit to Mortons.
The next place we would like to try is Angus Steak House.
Morton's is famous for their steak and dessert. We didn't quite like the steak. Though we ordered the prime cut, it was sooo thick that we nearly wanted to give up eating the steak after 3/4 of it. Luckily we shared the steak. The complementary onion bread was not really to my likeing too. What impressed me most was the dessert with chocolate oozing out of the fudge cake We did not try to seafood but the lobster at the next table looked good ; )
We concluded that we still prefer the steak at Jack's place though Morton's price is really high.
We both decided that we shall just order the dessert and lobster on our next visit to Mortons.
The next place we would like to try is Angus Steak House.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Taking things easy
I went back to school today and received much pats and support from colleagues. When I got back home, I read comments left by two good friends. Thank you to all who have given me the support and tried to perk me up. I will definitely live my life more fruitfully from now on.
I was sharing with Jasper during lunch that after I gave birth to Allyson, I've learnt to take things easier and not be too particular about the way I do things or the way others do things. I must say, after the abortion, I've learnt to take things even easier than the time after I gave birth. Somehow, it's heartening to know that I'm able to take things easy and not be too hard on myself. When I was younger, I tend to expect too much from myself as well as from others. After marriage and later on becoming a mother has totally changed my view on many things.
I remember one day when I was waiting for Jasper to unload some boxes to my mother's new house, a malay family was going out too. They were driving a 7-seater. Actually it was alright for them to turn out but somehow I guess they were worried that they may scratch their car. I got out of the car and told the wife to give us just 5 minutes and my hubby will be down soon. I was smiling and even apologised to them. Instead of appreciating, this malay lady just shot be a very impatient look and started showing some hand signals. I was totally hurt. I was just asking for a few minutes and even apologised for the inconvenience. In the end, this is how I was being treated. At that time, it dawned on me that the sentence 'it does not pay to be kind' seems very apt. I was very angry at that time. I guess, I may not be that angry now if the same thing happens again.
When I got to know of my unborn child's condition, I actually had thoughts like 'have I done anything wrong that caused my child to have some a condition', 'maybe I had offended people', 'maybe I should be more forgiving towards others who treat me badly'.... there were so many 'maybes' in my head. In this world, does it mean that if I do good, good things will befall me?? I really don't know. Whether life is fair or not, I don't know either.
All I know is for the sake of Allyson, I believe I should do more good deeds and be more patient as well as take things easier so that Allyson will have a good life.
I was sharing with Jasper during lunch that after I gave birth to Allyson, I've learnt to take things easier and not be too particular about the way I do things or the way others do things. I must say, after the abortion, I've learnt to take things even easier than the time after I gave birth. Somehow, it's heartening to know that I'm able to take things easy and not be too hard on myself. When I was younger, I tend to expect too much from myself as well as from others. After marriage and later on becoming a mother has totally changed my view on many things.
I remember one day when I was waiting for Jasper to unload some boxes to my mother's new house, a malay family was going out too. They were driving a 7-seater. Actually it was alright for them to turn out but somehow I guess they were worried that they may scratch their car. I got out of the car and told the wife to give us just 5 minutes and my hubby will be down soon. I was smiling and even apologised to them. Instead of appreciating, this malay lady just shot be a very impatient look and started showing some hand signals. I was totally hurt. I was just asking for a few minutes and even apologised for the inconvenience. In the end, this is how I was being treated. At that time, it dawned on me that the sentence 'it does not pay to be kind' seems very apt. I was very angry at that time. I guess, I may not be that angry now if the same thing happens again.
When I got to know of my unborn child's condition, I actually had thoughts like 'have I done anything wrong that caused my child to have some a condition', 'maybe I had offended people', 'maybe I should be more forgiving towards others who treat me badly'.... there were so many 'maybes' in my head. In this world, does it mean that if I do good, good things will befall me?? I really don't know. Whether life is fair or not, I don't know either.
All I know is for the sake of Allyson, I believe I should do more good deeds and be more patient as well as take things easier so that Allyson will have a good life.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Poor Allyson
On Thursday, My mother and I had to take Allyson back from the infant care centre. She had fever. From Thursday onwards, after we brought her to the PD, her fever went up and down till today. Just this morning, we were very happy that there was no more fever but when evening came, her fever came back. The last check was 37.2 degree celsius.
I'm praying very hard that her fever will go away soon. Jasper and I felt very sad when we see the restlessness in her. My mum in law even cried seeing her fall sick. We have decided to get a maid. It's quite terrible to see Allyson suffer. We put her into infant care in Aug and till now, about three months, she had been sick a few times. twice fever and twice running nose and cough.
On Thursday when I brought her back home, I was very very scared that I may lose her. I can't afford to lose my daughter. I've already lost a child. I don't know what will become of me if I were to lose Allyson. Some may think that it's a silly thought as all babies do get sick. No matter what others say, I still do not feel secure until she is really well. As parents, it's our duty to make sure that she gets well and protected.
I pray that Allyson will get well soon.
I'm praying very hard that her fever will go away soon. Jasper and I felt very sad when we see the restlessness in her. My mum in law even cried seeing her fall sick. We have decided to get a maid. It's quite terrible to see Allyson suffer. We put her into infant care in Aug and till now, about three months, she had been sick a few times. twice fever and twice running nose and cough.
On Thursday when I brought her back home, I was very very scared that I may lose her. I can't afford to lose my daughter. I've already lost a child. I don't know what will become of me if I were to lose Allyson. Some may think that it's a silly thought as all babies do get sick. No matter what others say, I still do not feel secure until she is really well. As parents, it's our duty to make sure that she gets well and protected.
I pray that Allyson will get well soon.
The Abortion
Both Jasper and I carried a heavy heart as we reached the hospital. No matter how upset we were, we both tried to make each other happy. The procedure was very smooth. It took just half an hour and I was brought back to the ward to rest for about 2 hours.
All I remembered when I was pushed to the operating theatre, was the oxygen mask. When I woke up, there was no pain at all. All I had was bleeding, just like the normal menses. Doc told me that it would take about 2 weeks to clear. I woke up with a sore throat and he explained that he had inserted a tube into my throat cos of the oxygen. Just like the kind we see on TV serials.
My sore throat healed by Friday.
I do think of my unborn child and I try to numb myself by doing lots of stuff at home.
On Thursday, my breasts swelled and I had to squeeze out the colustrum to reduce the swelling. If I do not do it, the lumps may develop into cancerous cells. As I was squeezing out the milk, I was crying uncontrollably. The pain was not from the swollen breasts but from my heart. I decided to fully breast feed my second child so that it will have greater immunity. I guess I shall give it to my third child. Jasper and I decided to try for a child after one year.
We are still waiting for the results of the test of the genes. Shall pray for the best and hope that whatever happened to this second child will not happen to any of the other children.
All I remembered when I was pushed to the operating theatre, was the oxygen mask. When I woke up, there was no pain at all. All I had was bleeding, just like the normal menses. Doc told me that it would take about 2 weeks to clear. I woke up with a sore throat and he explained that he had inserted a tube into my throat cos of the oxygen. Just like the kind we see on TV serials.
My sore throat healed by Friday.
I do think of my unborn child and I try to numb myself by doing lots of stuff at home.
On Thursday, my breasts swelled and I had to squeeze out the colustrum to reduce the swelling. If I do not do it, the lumps may develop into cancerous cells. As I was squeezing out the milk, I was crying uncontrollably. The pain was not from the swollen breasts but from my heart. I decided to fully breast feed my second child so that it will have greater immunity. I guess I shall give it to my third child. Jasper and I decided to try for a child after one year.
We are still waiting for the results of the test of the genes. Shall pray for the best and hope that whatever happened to this second child will not happen to any of the other children.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Unexpected Turn of Events
On 8th October 2007 (Monday), I went for my usual check up and the gynae for my 2nd baby. Jasper and I were greeted by a shocking news which both of us didn't know how to react. Through the scan, a big swell was spotted on the neck area of the foetus. My gynae was not too optimistic about it. After a few seconds, he spotted a space at the throat area. He sat both of us down near his table and started explaining to us. He told us to go for a second scan at Thomson Medical on 15 Oct. There is a possibility that I may have to terminate my pregnancy.
For the whole week, we were trying to remain positive but at the same time not knowing what to do as gynae could not give a name to the swelling. He said it could be chromosonal or it could be other kinds of defects.
On 15 October 2007 (Monday) at 10am, I was at Thomson Medical for a viability scan. The head sonographer scanned for quite a while and told Jasper and I the same thing that my gynae had told us. The swell is known as Cystic Hygroma. We brought the films back to my gynae before noon and he further explained that in this case, if I were to continue with the pregnancy, my poor baby may have to go through a massive operation after birth. I can't imagine a baby barely a week old going through such operation. He added that even after the operation, there may be other complications which would affect other parts of the baby's body. I told my gynae we needed an hour to decide whether to terminate the pregnancy or not. If we decided to terminate, it would have to be done within the one or two days as I am already in my 15th week. After these few days, I would have to go through induced labour. It's a 50-50 chance.
Jasper and I sat down at Gelare and started to discuss. We were overcome with emotions and tears just could not stop flowing down from my cheeks. I didn't have the confidence and courage to keep this baby. Jasper felt that if I continued with the pregnancy, there may be a chance the baby may recover (meaning the swell may be gone). We decided to ask Jasper's sister to check out some information on Cystic Hygroma. Indeed, we were more enlightened with what we found out. It is lymphatic and had something to do with white blood cells. Most babies either can't survive the whole 40 weeks or they just do not survive long after birth.
We went back to my gynae and made an appointment to terminate the pregnancy today
(16 October 2007) in the afternoon. He told us that it's a kind of chance occurence and we may not get it again in the next pregnancy. This whole condition has nothing to do with either of our blood too. We left the clinic with a heavy heart. Jasper tried to cheer me up but I know deep down, it's not easy for him either. Gynae gave me two pills and told me to take in the morning about 6 hours before the termination of pregnancy. After that, I can't eat or drink anything throughout the whole 6 hours until after the termination is done.
When we got home, Jasper went to a forum that talks about the condition that my baby has. There's a case in the West where a child with this condition lived till 11 years old. Because of the swell, the looks of the child is not normal like other kids. The mother commented that the child could count and speak too. There were other examples too. A child with this condition was born but would not speak as the swell had affected the voice box and throat.
As I'm typing now, there's a few more hours to go before I make my way to the hospital with Jasper. This morning, over breakfast, I told Jasper that I can't bear to bring our child to this world to go through all the torture. It breaks my heart to have to terminate my pregnancy but I don't have the courage to go through what the other mothers had gone through in the West. I may be very selfish but what would happen to my poor child if both of us were gone from this world one day. Many years ago, I was with a volunteer group and we brought adults with physical disabilities (on wheel chair or with walking sticks) out. While we were in the train cabin, we received many stares from adults and children. I told myself that if people in Singapore can't even treat others with physical disabilities in a friendly manner, how will they treat a child with an abnormal appearance! Others may condemn me for killing my child but I do not want my child to go through all the unhappiness, discrimination and weird startes throughout his/her childhood.
I pray very hard that the gods and ancestors will take good care of my unborn second child after the termination is done.
To my unborn child : Everyone of us in the family loves you very much. Please forgive Daddy and Mummy for making this decision. We will remember you in our hearts.
For the whole week, we were trying to remain positive but at the same time not knowing what to do as gynae could not give a name to the swelling. He said it could be chromosonal or it could be other kinds of defects.
On 15 October 2007 (Monday) at 10am, I was at Thomson Medical for a viability scan. The head sonographer scanned for quite a while and told Jasper and I the same thing that my gynae had told us. The swell is known as Cystic Hygroma. We brought the films back to my gynae before noon and he further explained that in this case, if I were to continue with the pregnancy, my poor baby may have to go through a massive operation after birth. I can't imagine a baby barely a week old going through such operation. He added that even after the operation, there may be other complications which would affect other parts of the baby's body. I told my gynae we needed an hour to decide whether to terminate the pregnancy or not. If we decided to terminate, it would have to be done within the one or two days as I am already in my 15th week. After these few days, I would have to go through induced labour. It's a 50-50 chance.
Jasper and I sat down at Gelare and started to discuss. We were overcome with emotions and tears just could not stop flowing down from my cheeks. I didn't have the confidence and courage to keep this baby. Jasper felt that if I continued with the pregnancy, there may be a chance the baby may recover (meaning the swell may be gone). We decided to ask Jasper's sister to check out some information on Cystic Hygroma. Indeed, we were more enlightened with what we found out. It is lymphatic and had something to do with white blood cells. Most babies either can't survive the whole 40 weeks or they just do not survive long after birth.
We went back to my gynae and made an appointment to terminate the pregnancy today
(16 October 2007) in the afternoon. He told us that it's a kind of chance occurence and we may not get it again in the next pregnancy. This whole condition has nothing to do with either of our blood too. We left the clinic with a heavy heart. Jasper tried to cheer me up but I know deep down, it's not easy for him either. Gynae gave me two pills and told me to take in the morning about 6 hours before the termination of pregnancy. After that, I can't eat or drink anything throughout the whole 6 hours until after the termination is done.
When we got home, Jasper went to a forum that talks about the condition that my baby has. There's a case in the West where a child with this condition lived till 11 years old. Because of the swell, the looks of the child is not normal like other kids. The mother commented that the child could count and speak too. There were other examples too. A child with this condition was born but would not speak as the swell had affected the voice box and throat.
As I'm typing now, there's a few more hours to go before I make my way to the hospital with Jasper. This morning, over breakfast, I told Jasper that I can't bear to bring our child to this world to go through all the torture. It breaks my heart to have to terminate my pregnancy but I don't have the courage to go through what the other mothers had gone through in the West. I may be very selfish but what would happen to my poor child if both of us were gone from this world one day. Many years ago, I was with a volunteer group and we brought adults with physical disabilities (on wheel chair or with walking sticks) out. While we were in the train cabin, we received many stares from adults and children. I told myself that if people in Singapore can't even treat others with physical disabilities in a friendly manner, how will they treat a child with an abnormal appearance! Others may condemn me for killing my child but I do not want my child to go through all the unhappiness, discrimination and weird startes throughout his/her childhood.
I pray very hard that the gods and ancestors will take good care of my unborn second child after the termination is done.
To my unborn child : Everyone of us in the family loves you very much. Please forgive Daddy and Mummy for making this decision. We will remember you in our hearts.
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