Insecurity

Sometimes, I wondered if I was not allowed to be happy with my life. Just yesterday, I had keyed in marks for pupils' exam papers and settled things that I planned to settle. I was quite happy and looked forward to going back to play with Allyson and spend time with Jasper too. My happiness was shortlived. Jasper was not well. He felt giddy and had to rest in bed. I took over the task of taking care of Allyson the whole afternoon. She slept quite a bit so it was not too bad. By 7pm, Jasper's giddiness worsened. Had to call my father-in -aw to come over and take him to the doctor. Doctor diagnosed as vertigo, a condition that causes Jasper to see stars and not able to walk straight. Doc says it's cos of the imbalance of fluid in the ear. I was so worried the whole afternoon and night.
My in-laws took Allyson back with them as Jasper had to rest at home the next day and it would be difficult for me to take Allyson to my in laws place early next morning. I was also rather tired as I didn't manage to rest at all even while Allyson slept. So, it was a good idea that they took her home in case I need to take care of Jasper in the night.

Today, my in laws told Jasper that Allyson had slight fever last night. Once again, it added on to my worries. I don't know why but when Jasper was at the clinic, as I was carrying Allyson, I had this immense insecurity. I was very afraid of losing Jasper. I prayed very hard telling the gods that I had already lost my second child. I can't imagine what would happen to me if anything happened to my loved ones. I had tears welling up my eyes and I was fighting very hard not to let the tears drop onto Allyson. I know it was silly of me but I just couldn't help feeling that way. I kept reassuring myself that everything's gonna be ok.

Sometimes, I get very sensitive towards comments made by my in laws regarding Allyson. I don't know why but at times, they made me feel that I've not looked after Allyson well. My greatest regret was not to consult a lactation consultant when I realised I could not pump out milk. If I had consulted the lactation consultant, then Allyson would not fall sick so often. The last time she had fever was about 2 weeks ago. These days, I get very paranoid if I l realised that she's abit feverish. I guess it's gods' will that I should not have a second one as they probably know that I would not be able to cope. I cried. Jasper gave me a hug.

I guess I really need a break. Jasper had very wonderfully booked tickets, accomodation and disneyland tickets for Hong Kong. I've never travelled to HK. Let's hope this trip will perk me up a little and prepare me for a brand new year.