Why is it that I can never make my own decision without having family members get involved?? I just want to resign and be a flexi-adjunct, is it soooo bad?!??! Just becos I don't get any benefits once I become a flexi-adjunct, are our lives really going to be topsy turvy. Who cares about all the benefits when whatever money I'm earning goes to seeing doctors?!?!
Who can understand the stress that I'm going through?!?!?
Why can't anyone just understand what I'm going through. Does anyone know that I've been having school refusal since the beginning of this year?!?! My job doesn't allow me to even take a break. My day starts at 6.30am and sometimes end at 6.30pm. What do I get for working so late?! getting sick all the time and not spending enough time with my own daughter!!!
What's so great about the money I'm earning with all the bonuses when I probably may not even live to spend it?!?! Am I going to spend the rest of my life in an asylum!??!?
All I want is some support from family members. Is it soooo difficult!!?? Why do I keep hearing things like not enough money, what a waste with all the benefits like medical leave, minus away all the holidays, actually dun work a lot in one year?!
Who can understand what I'm going through....sometimes, work stress, home stress really makes me very suicidal. Sometimes I just want to end it all.
All I want is some support......Will these people be happy if I just kill myself one day over work!??! I feel very miserable....very very miserable.
Why can't they just leave me alone. Let me make my own decision.....
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Down
This term really frustrates me. First, just before the new term started, Allyson was down with high fever. After her, I was down with fever and flu-like symptoms too. After her, Jasper came down with flu and fever. After resting, we thought we could go back to our normal life, alas, we were both diagnosed for HFMD becos of ulcers in our throat. We had to stay home for the second week. By the time I went back to work on the third week, I had tonnes of work to complete and even till now, I'm very much lagging....not sure how I'm going to cope. Guess sooner or later, I will be questioned severely over my efficiency. sigh...
toward the end of July, my allyson fell sick again. This time, she doesn't take much medicine and fever kept coming back. We finally sent her to KK and she was warded cos she's not taking in antibiotics orally, thus it has to be injected into her blood stream. She stayed for 4 days 3 nights in KK over the national day long weekend.
It was very heartbreaking having to put her through insertion of the plug for the drip and antibiotics. throughout the time when she was warded, it dawned on me that I've not really taken good care of her or given her enough nutrients to fight germs in her body. Thus, it affirms my idea of changing to flexi-adjunct next year and spending more time with her instead always not having time for her becos of work.
Now, as I was preparing myself happily to get back to my work and completing them as fast as I can, I'm down with sore eyes, runny nose/blocked nose and cough. All coming at the same time. I'm never lucky in winning prizes for myself but always very lucky in attracting germs to me.
Despite my constant efforts to keep myself clean and popping vit c and multivitamins all the time, I'm still down. Wonder what kind of a body I have or is it becos of the fengshui in the house....think I must do something about it.
As a result, I can't take care of Allyson now. This week is a a crucial week for her too. She is advised by the doctor to refrain from going back to school until she has completed her course of antibiotics. Really at my wits end....
toward the end of July, my allyson fell sick again. This time, she doesn't take much medicine and fever kept coming back. We finally sent her to KK and she was warded cos she's not taking in antibiotics orally, thus it has to be injected into her blood stream. She stayed for 4 days 3 nights in KK over the national day long weekend.
It was very heartbreaking having to put her through insertion of the plug for the drip and antibiotics. throughout the time when she was warded, it dawned on me that I've not really taken good care of her or given her enough nutrients to fight germs in her body. Thus, it affirms my idea of changing to flexi-adjunct next year and spending more time with her instead always not having time for her becos of work.
Now, as I was preparing myself happily to get back to my work and completing them as fast as I can, I'm down with sore eyes, runny nose/blocked nose and cough. All coming at the same time. I'm never lucky in winning prizes for myself but always very lucky in attracting germs to me.
Despite my constant efforts to keep myself clean and popping vit c and multivitamins all the time, I'm still down. Wonder what kind of a body I have or is it becos of the fengshui in the house....think I must do something about it.
As a result, I can't take care of Allyson now. This week is a a crucial week for her too. She is advised by the doctor to refrain from going back to school until she has completed her course of antibiotics. Really at my wits end....
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Happiness
Happiness is not just felt when good things fall on ourselves.
Happiness is also felt when good things befall other people. I'm very very happy over the amount of money that has been raised for Little Charmaine when I read My Paper this morning.
I pray hard that she will be able to get the necessary treatment and live a life filled with goodness and of cos good health. I also pray that her family members will also be happy and able to cope well financially.
Last but not least, I pray hard that all my family members are in good health and will be happy in whatever they do especially my precious Allyson :))
Happiness is also felt when good things befall other people. I'm very very happy over the amount of money that has been raised for Little Charmaine when I read My Paper this morning.
I pray hard that she will be able to get the necessary treatment and live a life filled with goodness and of cos good health. I also pray that her family members will also be happy and able to cope well financially.
Last but not least, I pray hard that all my family members are in good health and will be happy in whatever they do especially my precious Allyson :))
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
A Decision Made
After 7 months of deciding whether I should continue with what i'm doing, I've decided to stay on. Financially it's not advisable to just take off and not bother about anything. I want to give my child whatever that are within my means and to make sure I take good care of her. I can't afford to just leave what I'm doing to pursue what I really want. It's not rational.
Many of us are like that I guess. We must take a look at our priorities. My priority is to make sure my child is well taken care of and to make sure that none of us in the family including grandparents need to go through hunger pangs. Thus, no matter how unhappy I may be in what I'm doing, I shall just hang on and think of the big picture. I shall always look forward to going home to my little girl and leave whatever unhappiness behind.
Unhappiness shall not step into my home! I shall learn from others who are still going on strong even they are going through bad times in their lives.
Many of us are like that I guess. We must take a look at our priorities. My priority is to make sure my child is well taken care of and to make sure that none of us in the family including grandparents need to go through hunger pangs. Thus, no matter how unhappy I may be in what I'm doing, I shall just hang on and think of the big picture. I shall always look forward to going home to my little girl and leave whatever unhappiness behind.
Unhappiness shall not step into my home! I shall learn from others who are still going on strong even they are going through bad times in their lives.
From a mother to another mother
My hubby chanced upon Little Charmaine's blog just last night. We loaded her blog up onto my blog. Only today did I really sit down and read what her mother wrote in the blog as well as view pictures of this fiesty little girl.
As a mother to a 2-year-old, I can understand what Cynthia is going through. When Allyson went for blood test becos of high fever, her screams really chilled my heart. Jasper nearly cried seeing her writhed in pain. Of cos, this little pain is nothing compared to what Little Charmaine is going through. Imagine, both of us felt like crying seeing our little girl suffer when her little finger gets pricked for blood test, what more for another mother to see own little girl go through all sorts of tests and chemotherapy.
When I aborted my second child, I couldn't forgive myself even till now. On one hand, I had no right to take away her little life. On the other hand, I couldn't bear to see her suffer if I were to bring her to this harsh world knowing the type of condition she suffered from. Both Jasper and I clenched our painful heart and told my gynae our decision to go for abortion.
I salute Cynthia for being so strong even having to go through a broken marriage and taking care of her two precious ones.
No mother wants to see their children suffer. No mother wants to be away from their children.
Cynthia, hang in there! I'm sure things will go on well for Charmaine. Have faith!
Little Charmaine, you must grow up to love mummy even more!
As a mother to a 2-year-old, I can understand what Cynthia is going through. When Allyson went for blood test becos of high fever, her screams really chilled my heart. Jasper nearly cried seeing her writhed in pain. Of cos, this little pain is nothing compared to what Little Charmaine is going through. Imagine, both of us felt like crying seeing our little girl suffer when her little finger gets pricked for blood test, what more for another mother to see own little girl go through all sorts of tests and chemotherapy.
When I aborted my second child, I couldn't forgive myself even till now. On one hand, I had no right to take away her little life. On the other hand, I couldn't bear to see her suffer if I were to bring her to this harsh world knowing the type of condition she suffered from. Both Jasper and I clenched our painful heart and told my gynae our decision to go for abortion.
I salute Cynthia for being so strong even having to go through a broken marriage and taking care of her two precious ones.
No mother wants to see their children suffer. No mother wants to be away from their children.
Cynthia, hang in there! I'm sure things will go on well for Charmaine. Have faith!
Little Charmaine, you must grow up to love mummy even more!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Let's help Charmaine
A little girl who needs support and help in her battle against cancer. Click on the link to read her blog.
Friday, May 15, 2009
A Calm and Peaceful Mind
Hubby recently commented that i should put up some posts on happy incidents that happened to me. I guess my happiest moment was when allyson and jasper presented a kate spade bag to me. very very sweet of him. It's for mother's day. He actually went to buy after work, came home and went to take me from work. He really knew how to keep things under wraps.
Since the beginning of this year, i've been going through some unhappiness with my job, with some people around me. it's amazing how i could have allowed these people to affect my life. much as i like to ignore all them, i have to face them all the time. i felt that i'm slackening in my work and not doing justice to my stakeholders. it's not easy being where i am today. i can't just leave everything behind and move on to a new environment. moreoever, i do not have many openings to choose from.
recently, a stakeholder commented that i have not done enough for my client. it was a shelling session at a closed-door meeting. it set me wondering whether i should be in this profession at all. the things that were said really affected me. if i have 40 clients, it's my duty to address each and every one of their needs and to understand them fully. that's what my stakeholder said.
He may be right but I just hated the way he put things through. He seriously have some kind of EGO problem. I've been trying to ignore it these few days and went on with my work. At the back of my mind, i still think of what this stakeholder said. If I go crazy, I shall remember to haunt him for the rest of his life.
I had a dream last night. I'm not sure if i was too pressed up inside but I actually dreamt that I went crazy. i was screaming non-stop in my dream. when I woke up, i was in a daze and slipped in my bathroom. after that, i felt pain on the right side of my waist. going to see a doc soon cos the pain lingers as i walk and it's very disturbing. not sure if that dream will come to haunt me again.
I just conquered the throat virus last two weeks without taking a day of medical leave and now i'm down. I long for a calm and peaceful mind.
Have requested to my hubby for a full day off till night on one of the saturdays to spend time with two of my girlfriends. they plan the day for me. i shall go wherever they feel is good for my heart and soul.
I shall take some time off during the June break to think of my next step in my career.
Since the beginning of this year, i've been going through some unhappiness with my job, with some people around me. it's amazing how i could have allowed these people to affect my life. much as i like to ignore all them, i have to face them all the time. i felt that i'm slackening in my work and not doing justice to my stakeholders. it's not easy being where i am today. i can't just leave everything behind and move on to a new environment. moreoever, i do not have many openings to choose from.
recently, a stakeholder commented that i have not done enough for my client. it was a shelling session at a closed-door meeting. it set me wondering whether i should be in this profession at all. the things that were said really affected me. if i have 40 clients, it's my duty to address each and every one of their needs and to understand them fully. that's what my stakeholder said.
He may be right but I just hated the way he put things through. He seriously have some kind of EGO problem. I've been trying to ignore it these few days and went on with my work. At the back of my mind, i still think of what this stakeholder said. If I go crazy, I shall remember to haunt him for the rest of his life.
I had a dream last night. I'm not sure if i was too pressed up inside but I actually dreamt that I went crazy. i was screaming non-stop in my dream. when I woke up, i was in a daze and slipped in my bathroom. after that, i felt pain on the right side of my waist. going to see a doc soon cos the pain lingers as i walk and it's very disturbing. not sure if that dream will come to haunt me again.
I just conquered the throat virus last two weeks without taking a day of medical leave and now i'm down. I long for a calm and peaceful mind.
Have requested to my hubby for a full day off till night on one of the saturdays to spend time with two of my girlfriends. they plan the day for me. i shall go wherever they feel is good for my heart and soul.
I shall take some time off during the June break to think of my next step in my career.
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